The Irony of Communication

Often the question shows up in workshop seminars “Do I have to communicate my feelings and needs to my partner/friend/colleague?” and my response is “It depends”.

The first thing I want to clear up is that as far as I’m concerned there is nothing anyone has to do, ever. We do things because we want to do them. Even those things that are really hard, we want to do them for some reason, to meet some needs (for example maybe we want to express and show care by cooking dinner and cleaning dishes) .

In the “old” realm of thinking and living, where there are doing things we “must” do and there are rules to follow, we might think we “have to” communicate our feelings and needs to others. In this “new” realm of living a needs connected life, we have an awareness of our feelings and needs and an awareness of what we want to communicate. We don’t just blatantly share our feelings and needs. We’re clear of our intentions.

So, it depends. When we’re aware of our needs, connected to them and aware of the needs of others, we can make very life-connected choices. Communication is critical and the most important communication to have is with oneself. We can only be as clear in our communication with others as we are with ourselves.

I need you to understand me

It's not that other people don't understand us, it's that there's an empathy deficit occurring.

When we’re in an argument with someone or when we’re just trying to get a point across and it’s not happening, it’s very likely empathy is the remedy. We need to hear in order to be heard.

It’s equally as important to ask ourselves how are we thinking in those moments. For example, I could be thinking “They should/need to listen to me” and if that is the case then that’s a huge sign that I need empathy. I’m in a state of mind where I’m making someone “responsible” for my needs. Personally, I like to take responsibility for meeting my needs. After all, they’re mine.

So we have choices here, we make someone responsible for our needs or we can figure out the many other ways the exist to meet our needs. Maybe, just maybe we can still experience understanding even under challenging situations.

Empathy is not just words, it's the experience we feel.

Empathy: Looking beyond the surface

Empathy, a curious perspective - a look into the experience of oneself or another. As humans, we all have this ability. The challenge is that although our desire is there, we may not have the ability to empathize especially when we're upset, angry, pissed off. Yet, we can still reach down and get to that empathic place of being curious about someone's experience.

Why did someone say what they said? Why did they do what they did? An earnest attempt to ask these questions. The quality of the energy behind our questions will result in the quality of our answers. If we want to look for "stupid" reasons behind someone's actions, we'll get "stupid" answers. If we look for human reasons, like sometimes maybe people are in pain, they're desperate, they act out of their need for being seen or wanting consideration, we'll get answers that help us understand the humanity of people's behavior. Big stuff.

A Curious Journey Begins

Welcome! Thank you for visiting and reading through my blog website. On this website, I’ll share my thoughts, things I enjoy, activities I’m up to and more. The goal and intention of my site is to offer my perspective of how I view things through the lens of our shared human needs. Some posts may be short, a snippet, a thought about this whole needs thing. Some may be longer. I look forward to sharing and connecting with you all through this portal. Thank you again for visiting and taking the time to read. With love, Antonio.